There are no words...

Well there are words, there are millions.  I've been wanting to write for a while, but life is going on and it's passing by so fast, I just can't find the time.

There is so much to talk about and be thankful for, I just can't find a starting point.  I left work late today and I'm worn out.  It was a fast day, not necessary stressful, but I wanted to get everything done and I just couldn't do it.  It's going to be the same tomorrow.  I love that it's non-stop, but there are days I just want a break.  I guess my dream job would be one where I can start a project and finish it in one day, knowing that tomorrow, I can get to work and start a new one.

I'm very happy right now.  Very thankful.  A lot of random thoughts running through my head.  I know I think a lot of the same things regular people do.  I am now understanding how frustrating and exhausting, "trying" to have a baby can be and Carey and I aren't really "trying" although I guess that depends on what trying actually means.   There have been probably 7 or 8 months, maybe more and some non-consecutive where we have counted the days or realized that "oh, we could be pregnant" and it didn't happen.  It's the longest two weeks of my life.  Then it's the feelings of both relief and disappointment at the same time.   There are days that I'm excited to not have children, like today when I've had no time for any "extra" activities.  In fact I'm one of those people who can think of a million reasons why we shouldn't or don't want children. Then I make myself a bit sad at the thought of growing old with no family of our own, with no one to take care of us when we're older.  I've been praying a lot about it.  Carey and I know that we don't want to do IUI or IVF and all those procedures that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.  I know that there are and equal number of children out in the world that need good homes.  My mom thinks it's weird that I'm not all about having my own baby.  I do want my own baby, one day, I guess.  I'd like to be pregnant and experience the miracle of birth, but I also know that love is true and real no matter where the baby/child comes from.  Everyone is deserving of a great family life and opportunity of love.

I just have so much love to give.  I also think it may help me "grow up" a bit.  Although I love my attitude and my personality and how I love building relationships with all those I meet.  I want to be remembered for being me.  I know I'm a good person, I know I've made bad decisions, but who hasn't?  It's going back to those throwing of stones again.

When I sit and think about the things I have and want...I realize I only need more time. I need more time to exercise, spend with family/friends, pray, grow and create/dream.   I want to be closer to my Lord, I want to be a better Catholic and Christian.  Does God want me to be a Mom?  That's a question only He can answer.  Do I want to be a Mom...that's just a question that needs to be answered.  Carey and I will have to wait and see if that's in His plan for us.

I can't stop coming back to the idea that I'm lucky to have everything I need.  I'm so unbelievably blessed it's almost sickening.

Words are worth more than gold.

What can I say, one of my "love" languages is words of affirmation.  Maybe it's part of my self esteem issues.  Deep down inside I need to hear the words, doesn't matter what they are really, but I need to hear "You look great, you are so cute, you're funny"....whatever. Whatever it is, I still feel great when I hear it. So yesterday when an old co-worker of mine said "look how skinny  you are, what have you been doing?"  or something like that, I was so excited to hear the compliment that I just didn't hear much after that.  I was also excited to have my first Mr. Pibb extra cherry (ever actually) since Ash Wednesday and it was AMAZING. So the Adult form of A.D.D was totally kicking in.   I am still promising to not drink "sodas" as much as I used to, which wasn't very much, but I really just don't want to waste the calories, although I'll probably substitute that with creme brulee or something.  HA HA.  Overall yesterday was crazy busy at work, but I just had a wonderful day.

I'm excited to see Michelle Sims Kremke and meet her new husband Kevin tonight in NOLA.  I can't even explain how excited I am to hang out with her...I love this girl.

I am resting from a nice 4 mile run....ready to enjoy the rest of the weekend.  My energy is totally still feeding off yesterday's compliment...if only I could remind my husband how to do that...the complimenting thing.

I have to say be specific when you pray for things...I should have been specific about that.  

Washing your Mouth out with Soap

I don't know if she did or at least I can't recall, my mom ever saying that she would wash out my mouth with soap.  I grew up in a house hold where we didn't say things like "shut up" much less have any other now super common four letter expletives come out of our mouths.  I honestly can't remember when I said my first curse word (probably from hanging out with Ashley, Danielle, Michelle Q and Corie).  Just picking on you ladies.  I do remember the first time my mom used the B word in front of me, it was over a parking space mind you.  I hate that I will actually say them (sometimes) in front on my mother, because the Lord knows I would have never said it in front of my Grandmother.  So what makes it so easy these days?  They are used on the radio and TV a thousand times more than they were when I was growing up.  The f word more than any other bothers me and it seems when I need emphasis, I use it.  I am a sinner, yes I am.  I curse, and more often when behind the wheel of a car, but I am doing my very best at trying to go back to the way things were.  The words, the four letter ones, are so UGLY (ha, four letter word).  I bring this up because at my volleyball game tonight I made a really terrible attempt to set the ball and subsequent movements left me on my rear end, in the sand.  The referee, who knows me well after 3 or 4 years of playing volleyball says "Gwen, language please" or something of that nature and I said was "WOW, now I can't say butt?"   Clearly that was not the word she was referring too, however I have become so at ease with saying the S-word I had not even realized I had said it.  And said it loudly, no doubt.

The more I got to thinking about it, the more I'm ok with myself being the loud, smack talker that I am when I play volleyball (because I'm that good) but I am not ok with how much I curse.  So I make a vow today, to speak words that are pleasing to the Lord and well pleasing to the other people who have to (and some don't) listen to me.

I guess I need to pretend that Grandmother Vivian is still around and with me, listening to every word.  So thanks to Kristin Braun for helping keep me in line...at least on the volleyball court.  Now if I can just get her to ride around town with me, I'd be well on my way to a cleaner mouth.

I'm ashamed.  I really am.

No coke...day 48

I've made it my mission to continue with the not drinking of the coke/dr pepper. at least through the Easter season which is 50 days, although I though it was 70.  I must say that I'm not nearly as grouchy as I thought I would be without all the caffeine.  I sort of have the urge for a coke, but I didn't have one.  I didn't have one b/c I really didn't have the time to get one.  I was swamped at work.  It's already 9:14 and I'm pooped.  I need to get on the treadmill.  I also wanted to start that book I was reading - again.   I dabbled a little with Facebook today and I am certain that my life is better without it.  It's like a disease that sort of consumes me...I wish it didn't.  Guess it doesn't matter b/c Carey's watching House and I don't really watch that show.  At least we're in the same room together right?

Gonna log in my coke rewards points (Mom saves them for me) and then to bed...early and very busy day ahead of me.  I'm ready for the weekend is that bad?

Jesus Christ is Risen today.

It may sound strange to some, or even a bit hypocritical to say this (I mean I am a sinner) but today is and always has been the most exciting day of the year for me.  I am just excited.  It as if I get to see a celebrity today.  When I rise on Easter Sunday morning I am overjoyed and excited, unlike I feel on any other morning.  Jesus is risen today, Hallelujah!  I am just so excited on the inside at the most powerful day of the year.  I can rise today because the Lord fulfilled what God had planned for Him and saved us all from sin.  What a sacrifice God made for little old me.  That kind of love is unimaginable. I hit the good life lottery...today we all WIN!
          My Easter rap:  All I do is WIN, WIN, WIN, no matter what, I got heaven on my mind I can never give it up, and everytime I wake up Easter Morning, everybody's prayers go UP- and they stay there!   HA HA!


The devotion today has the verse Colossians 3:2  written at the top.  "Think of what is above, not of what is on the earth."  We have to listen to the words of St. Paul here.  The important part of our lives this moment forward is what we are to strive for.  It is for what we have been using the last 40 days (47 if you get technical), to build on our (I hope) already strong relationship with our Lord Jesus.   If we could walk the earth each day keeping this in mind, life would be a lot simpler.  I think the Amish may have the right idea.  I can only a dream of a life with what I believe to be little stress.  I can honestly say that I'm a generally happy person, but things could always be a bit easier.  


I know it is said that I "can" have a coke today, I "can" get on facebook, however I'm excited about the possibility of keeping up the habits I've started over this Lenten season.  I hope to be running/jogging more, drinking a lot less coke (although I have many times wanted a coke over the last 47 days), blogging a lot more, reading the scriptures more, learning God's word and spending more time with my husband, not lost for hours on facebook.  I know it may take some discipline and well that's my new goal for the year.  I don't want to stop working on that relationship I have with the Lord, because I know I'm going to need him daily, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to only do the fasting, alms giving and prayer as we prep for Easter.  The Easter Season last for 70 days...lets see if we can keep going.

I know I can do it.  Because "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13.  That Saint Paul had some good stuff to write I tell ya.

Phil 4:4-9  "Rejoice in the Lord always.  I shall say it again; rejoice! Your kindness should be know to all.  The Lord is near.  (actually he's here now...whoo hoo) Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.  Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds to Christ Jesus.
        Finally , brothers, whatever is true , whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me.  Then the God of peace will be with you."  


If only I could be more like St. Paul.  But again, I'm small and weak, but He is big and strong enough. With Him in my life and with me every step of the way, I can't go wrong.  It may take me longer to get there, but I'll get there.  True happiness, complete and joyfully fulfilling love and happiness is the light at the end of the tunnel, the pure radiant light of Christ!

Better is just that...better!

I'm definitely feeling better than I was when I wrote that first blog today.  I was just in a bad, bad mood.

Just got off the treadmill and phone at the same time.  One hour later, I feel good.  Glad I talked my lazy butt into walking/running a bit tonight.   I skipped running the Betsy to spend QT with Carey.  I can never be mad at him for very long...he's too cute.  I hate that about him. HA.

I got to talking with Nicole about this week, it's Holy Week and it's truly the most import and exciting week of the year for Christians everywhere.  We prepare for the Risen Lord.  We get excited about "tasting" all of those things we've fasted from for the last 47 days.  Although I'm trying to talk myself into not "giving in" to those things again.  I know I'll have a soft drink on Sunday, I just know I will.

It's just so exciting...what is in store this week.  I'm ready to get it started.  I hope that I'm able to make some of the services this week.  I'm looking forward to spending time with the Landry family on Good Friday and what a GOOD Friday it will be.  Oh how the Lord has truly blessed me with a wonderfully large family. I think this week will be wonderful.  Hopefully it'll go by fast.

Isaiah 50:10 For now, walk "in darkness without any light, trusting in the name of the Lord"


I have to be honest.  I'm still working on the trust thing.  But if I grow a little closer everyday, the good thing is that I've grown.

Oh and I met someone who is an atheist.  I felt sorry for him.  I really did.  All I could say was Good for you b/c I believe in God and I'm a happy person.  So thank "GOD" for that.  Jesus is the reason for the, well for EVERYTHING.

Baby killers

Perhaps too strong of a title for today.  I know I've been away for the last few days, I couldn't find my devotional for a few and things got busy.  I did read the book of Ruth while I was away, so it's not as if I was not doing any devotion with the Lord's word.

I need it right now, Carey just removed a bird nest from our patio fan/light.  I've been watching these birds for weeks build this nest and he just threw it in the garbage, eggs and all.  I'm in tears, perhaps it's a little too pro-animal life, but I'm still upset that he killed these babies.  Now I have to watch as the parent birds come to "check" their babies and see how they are doing, only to find them not there.  I know hate is a strong word but I hate my husband right now.  I asked him not to move the nest, it wasn't hurting us.  I even asked that if he was going to take it out to move it to the roof.  He knew and knows how much I love animals and he still threw it away.

I also made an angel food cake today and he was in my way and it's practically ruined now.  Mainly b/c I didn't have the right things to use to make the cake but still, it didn't fall out of the pan like it's supposed to and that just makes me more aggravated and upset.  Ughggh I'm just pissy right now that is all I can say. Now how am I supposed to rest in the Lord right now...I guess now I need Him more than I usually do when I'm blogging.  I have to ask Him to come to me now and calm me down.

I went to Wal-mart to get a glass bottle and ANOTHER angel food cake and the bottles (6) that I bought still don't fit.  I'm just aggravated.  I'll have to finish this later.