"Hey Jealousy"

I can't think off hand who it is that sings that song, but I was just thinking about being jealous.  I heard on the Catholic Channel (sattelite ratdio) once that being jealous is not sinul, it's being envious that is a sin.  That being said, I am jealous.  The more I think about that the more I realize that I'm not sure if having all the things that I'm "jealous" about would make me less jealous or would I really keep wanting more, wanting bigger, wanted better.  What I do know is that I'm spoiled already and that I will never be satisifed.  I will always want for more.  I have to just ask the Lord to forgive me, to guide me and to watch over me.  I have to keep praying for all my friends and what they need and pray for those people who don't know how, who don't have anyone to pray for them and for those who don't know the Lord. 

I am going on my, I dont' know, 15th, Confirmation Retreat but my frist with Most Blessed Sacrament church parish.  It has been an interesting and different experience as I haven't been able to get to know some of the children, like I usually do.  It's a bit upsetting. 

I am having brunch at Beausoleil on Sunday thought and that I'm looking forward to.  It's 11pm, I need to get to bed.  Carey is already asleep, I should be too, he has to work and I have to be at church for 7:30 am.  I need a bath and to finish packing.  So much to do, so little time.

I noticed on my pay check today that I have almost a week of vacation built up.  I'm trying to decide if I want to save a bit more for a vacation (a couple days at least) or if I want to save it up for a baby. It's a big decision.  I don't want to be caught off guard with a pregnancy, but I have a feeling if Carey and I "plan" any sort of parenting, then it may be a while.  It's fine by us, but I just don't know.  People ask me all the time if and when and I'm so ugly and negative about it.  I never thought I'd be "procrastinating" for lack of a better word, about having a child.  I know that is why I was meant for married life, so that I could have and raise a family.  My heart is just not in it right now.   I want to finish paying off my student loans and then put that money into my babies college fund.  I want to travel a bit more, there are so many places that I've never been and want to go and if I wait until my kids are grown, well heck, I may not be able to travel by then. 

I'll be 34 in 8 months.  I can pretty much guarantee I won't be having a baby before then.  So I'll be 35 at the youngest when I have my first child.  If they are two years apart I'll be 37 with the second and I know my husband will not want or go for or participate in having a 3rd.  I can guarantee that.  I mean I'm just getting him to start talking about one. 

My OB/GYN or my GYN I should say, is no longer delivering babies and when I called her office to protest, the RN was so excited to read in my chart that it was "ok to have a baby."  She was thrilled and asked with excitement "are y'all trying?"  "Um, trying to what?" I wanted to say, but I figured that would be a bit ugly.  Mom gets so mad at me for thinking "selfishly" about having a baby, but I don't think it's selfish. I want to enjoy the things that I never got to enjoy growing up and I want to be able to give my family those same things.  It may seem like I had everything I wanted growing up and I guess you can say I didn't go "with out" but there were many time and many instances that my Mom had to say No and it was because we couldn't afford it.  I could't take dancing, I couldn't go on school trips (to DC etc).  I didn't have a car.  I didn't go on vacations.  We went to Disney when I was 2 and then drove to Atlanta to see family when I was a Sr.  That was the extent of my vacations.  I wouldn't have gotten a college education had I not had student loans, which I'm thrilled to say will be paid off in about 5 years with the way we're paying them.  Guess we need to double up.   Heck if we start paying $50 more a month we can pay them off 2 years earlier...and I owe my Mom about $2000, I need to be done with that.

I guess when I get to "that" point, Carey and I will have a baby.  That thought excites me a bit.  I love babies.  I also love my time, my runs, my vacations - mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

That does make me sound pretty selfish doesn't it?  Shauntel, Danielle, Jenny (Riley), Fay, Dana and Suzanna are all pregnant right now.  See who needs to  have a baby when they are all having them?

Good night.

I'm back.  So I opened my blog, I wanted to see something and "A Mother's Prayer" by Celine Dion was playing.  Is the Lord trying to tell me something?  Hmmmm.  Made me smile; for whatever reason.